First Annual Starflight Short Story Contest

Yes, you read that title right.

In order to salvage my sanity and take a much-needed break from the goings-on here, I’ve decided to start a contest. The readers of my blog are invited to participate. And yes, there WILL be a prize!

The object of the contest is to write an introduction to a Star Wars fan fiction story – not an entire fanfic, but an intro. My only requirements are that the intro contain at least one Star Wars villain, be no longer than 1000 words, and contain no rated-R elements (explicit descriptions of gore, excessive profanity, sex, drug use, etc.).

Rules are as follows:

1. One entry per individual. If I suspect someone of using another name to enter twice, I will send a bounty hunter to his or her residence – and he won’t be asking to move in…
2. Entries must include one or more Star Wars villains (old trilogy or prequels). No entries focusing solely on Expanded Universe villains please, as I wouldn’t be able to pick most of them out of a lineup. You can, however, include a movie villain AND an EU villain.
3. Try to keep your entry no longer than 1000 words. If your word processor does not have a word count feature, estimate as best you can. I won’t reject a story for being a few words over, but a 5000 word entry will be rejected. (For reference, the text of this blog is about 500 words long.)
4. Entries with adult themes (see above) will be disqualified.
5. Include your name (real or pen) and your e-mail address with your entry.
6. Send your entry to my personal e-mail account – NOT in the comments section of the blog.
7. Entries must be sent by no later than March 31, 2006

The judges’ panel will consist of myself, Vader, and whatever Imperials/Rebels/fans are available to read and review. Entries will be judged based on how well they grab the reader’s attention, and on creativity of content. Style and mechanics won’t necessarily count against you, but please spell-check before you send it.

Did I mention prizes? Okay…

The GRAND PRIZE winner will receive an original piece of artwork from the fanfic story of their choice (see my Fanfiction.net profile for your choices) and will be written into my next fanfic, “Walk Like Men,” as a character of their choice.

FIRST RUNNER-UP will have a walk-on role as a character of their choice in an upcoming fanfic project, “Space Alien Ray Gun Invasion.”

SECOND RUNNER-UP will have the opportunity to name a character in one of the aforementioned fanfics.

HONORABLE MENTIONS get first dibs on what characters they would like to play host to once I get the peace conference kicked out of my house.

I reserve the right to post submissions for the contest on my blog, and to edit them for spelling/grammatical errors (don’t worry, I won’t touch content). All other rights belong to the authors themselves.

E-mail me if you have any questions.

Happy writing!

Peace Summit Statistics 101

I feel stuck in a movie – not Star Wars, unfortunately, but more like Never-Ending Story or Groundhog Day. Or maybe Attack of the Deadly Peace Summit That Never Ends. The peace talks have dragged on for about two months now, and absolutely nothing seems to have been accomplished. Of course, that’s from my layman’s prospective – it’s completely possible that things have been going on that I’m not aware of. But I highly doubt that much of anything can be accomplished, judging from the amount of arguing, fighting, and fanatic interference going on.

The following list chronicles what I have seen come to pass during the course of the conference:

4 assassination attempts (Mothma says 5, but I don’t count the goat incident in November)
6 attempts by the Council of Moffs to seize power
6 replacements of the entire Council of Moffs
3 seemingly dead characters showing up (Maul, Grievous, and Dooku, who showed up late last night)
19 instances of fans crashing the negotiation meetings
8 non-fatal strangulations
3 non-fatal electrocutions
5 cases of minor burns (2 are Fett’s fault; the rest come from playing with lightsabers)
6 broken limbs
7 non-fatal roughing-ups by an irritated Chewbacca
2 non-fatal roughing-ups by an irritated R2-D2
12 other accidents related to the conference
14 mass brawls between fans and/or stormtroopers and/or Rebel soldiers
0 lawsuits (thanks heavens…)
3 all-night Star Wars movie marathons in an attempt to restore peace
7 belching contests
11 dragon-inflicted wounds courtesy of Shmendrick (this includes bites, burns, clawings, and tripping over him)
5 minimally damaging fires started by Shmendrick
2 times said fires were started directly beneath Admiral Ackbar’s chair (you think Shmendrick is teaming up with Tiger to do the guy in?)
25 complaints from Mothma regarding the state of my home, the state of our planet, and the presence of the fans
0 times the Emperor has listened to said complaints
2 times Trekkies have set up protests outside, both broken up by Fett and Grievous
3 bomb threats
1 change in jobs, which should have no effect on the peace talks, but seeing as things started getting worse around that time period, I guess I can take the blame
1 trip to the grocery store that will NOT be repeated (Han takes full credit for sending the photo, Wednesday)
467 e-mails asking for updates to “The Stag and the Dragon”
389 e-mails asking for updates to the “Eye of the Storm” series
62 e-mails asking for updates to “Relatively Speaking”
34 e-mails asking for updates to “Heir to the Ring”
8 e-mails asking when my original novel is coming out (at this rate, when Episodes 10,11, and 12 are released…)
12 times fans have banged on the door demanding for story updates
33 times I’ve had to refer fans of other book/movie/TV show/anime fandoms to Roseprincess’ place, for which I humbly apologize
16 placatory offerings of chocolate from members of the Empire and Rebellion
10 rants regarding my work at the library (“Why do people pull half a dozen books off the shelf and then just leave them sitting on a table or chair? Why do they let their kids run amok and pull books off shelves? It’s a library, not a day care center. And why do they stick books in the weirdest places? What’s a Hulk DVD doing in the large print books? What’s a steamy romance novel doing in the children’s non-fiction? What’s a Berenstein Bear book doing in the Louis L’amour collection? What sick twist of the alphabet lands the Star Wars movies directly between a sappy Julie Garland movie and Starsky and Hutch? Hey, look at me when I’m talking to you, buster!”)
5 times Mom and Mothma have gotten in an argument (apparently Mom can see a character if he/she/it is talking directly to her)
8 all-day Playstation parties courtesy of Brandon
7 times I’ve caught Grievous playing with my plastic lightsabers
6 times I’ve caught fans dressing Threepio in someone’s lingerie (thankfully not mine)
1 written statement from the Emperor promising to make this worth my while
0 times the Rebellion has done the same

And a partridge in a pair tree while we’re at it?
I’m serious, it’s about time for that mad fan attack to get these guys off my property. I’m sure there are plenty of other fans who’d be willing to put up with these guys. Any takers? I can lend you a cast-iron skillet if need be…

Shopping (and Discussing Eldest) With Cyborgs

WARNING: This post contains SPOILERS for the book Eldest. Proceed with caution if you haven’t read Eldest and plan to do so.

For all you Harry Potter fans out there, this one’s for you! Especially if you’re a Snape fan… or maybe not. I don’t particularly like Snape and I laughed myself silly, but who knows... My mom found a link to this on a Mormon singles site (of all places *shrug*), and I just had to share. You know, this might make an appropriate threat if things get out of hand at the peace conference…

“Everyone cool it now, or we’ll see how you look singing and dancing to ‘The Thong Song’ in a fanfilm!” Heh, heh, heh…

Speaking of fanfilms, if you have yet to see Ryan Simmon’s Star Wars Spoofs, do so now. Not only are they hilarious, but they’re extremely well-drawn (Ryan’s a professional animator). My personal recommendations are the Death Star and Bespin cartoons, which both feature, yes, Darth Vader. Be warned that these might take awhile to load if you have a dial-up connection.

I really should go take a nap, I was up until about one thirty AM last night. But I’m still on a buzz from just finishing Eldest (finally!) and don’t know whether to be happy or angry (or just plain tired). Happy that I could learn the further adventures of Eragon and Saphira, but angry that Christopher Paolini left so many things hanging that we won’t be able to find out fully until the next book comes out! ARGH! Will Eragon and Roran defeat the Ra’zac and rescue Katrina? Will we find out the rest of Solembum’s riddle? Will the elves ever reach the Varden? Will Murtagh come around and stop serving Galbatorix? Will Eragon prevail? Will this crazy woman ever shut up?????

Speaking of Eldest, a certain pair of cyborgs insisted on accompanying me to the grocery store yesterday, and the whole time they had an intense discussion regarding Eragon and Eldest. Apparently they’re taking bets as to what color the dragon will be on the cover of the third book. Book one was Saphira, who’s blue, and book two was Thorn, who’s red, but what about the third…

“It will be black,” Vader insists. “Galbatorix’s dragon was black, remember.”

“My credits are on gold,” Grievous counters. “Oromis has a gold dragon.”

“Will one of you go back to the dairy section?” I ask. “I forgot the cottage cheese.”

“Get it yourself,” Grievous suggests crankily. “You’re the only one who eats that crud.”

“Grievous, apologize at once,” snarls Vader.

Grievous rolls his slit-pupiled eyes. “I’m sorry, Kenya,” he says without meaning it at all.

“Why are you two getting so worked up over the stinkin’ cover of the next book?” I ask, turning the grocery cart around and heading back for the dairy section. “I can think of a lot more to discuss than that – like the whole revelation about Murtagh and Eragon being brothers…”

“An obvious ripoff from ‘Empire Strikes Back,’” Vader puts in.

“Or Eragon’s crush on Arya…”

“Ripoff from ‘Attack of the Clones,’” Grievous complains, picking up a brick of cheese from a cooler case and squishing it between his claws. “Face it, the entire book is a ripoff.”

“So? Does that make my fanfics a ripoff?” I toss the cottage cheese in the cart and move off to the bakery. We’re out of bread again. Apparently someone has taken it upon themselves to be the official sandwich maker for the peace conference.

“The difference is that you do not attempt to make money off of your creations,” Vader replies. “Mr. Paolini, however, has raided every conceivable source…”

“I disagree,” I reply. “Yes, he was inspired by Star Wars and Lord of the Rings and Dragonriders of Pern and who knows what else. But plenty of other people have been inspired by others’ works. Wasn’t George Lucas inspired by Flash Gordon to create Star Wars?”

Vader groans. Evidently he’s seen Flash Gordon somewhere along the line. Curious, as I haven’t seen it at all.

“But for the record,” I continue, throwing the bread into the cart, “along the lines of the cover art for the third book… what kind of bagels do you like, Vader?”

”Sesame seed,” he replies. “What about the cover art?”

“I’ll take your guys’ bet. And a month straight of feeding the goats and Shmendrick says that the dragon on the cover of the last book is green.”

“Green?” repeats Grievous, looking up from scraping mashed cheese from his claws. “There is no green dragon! The last of the dragons are Saphira, Thorn, Glaedr, and Galbatorix’s dragon, and they’re blue, red, gold, and black…”

“Remember, there’s one more egg,” I counter. “And the book isn’t very specific on whether the wild dragons are totally extinct. A green dragon could show up in the next book, or someone could make the last egg hatch…”

“I’ll take your bet,” Vader announces confidently. “And five hundred credits says Galbatorix’s dragon is on the cover.”

“Six hundred that it’s Glaedr,” Grievous puts in.

“Done,” I reply. “Someone go get the lettuce please.”

Grievous slinks off. Vader picks up an automotive magazine and leafs through it while we wait.

“By the way, will you be changing your dragon’s name?” he asks.

“You mean renaming him after Murtagh’s dragon? Nah. I don’t like the name Thorn, and I don’t really like what Murtagh’s become. Besides, I saw The Last Unicorn again this weekend, and it reminded me how much I like that goofy wizard. Shmendrick will stay Shmendrick.”

There’s an enormous crash, and an entire display of Pepsi cans collapses, scattering shoppers and leaking brown fizz on the linoleum. Grievous darts away, clutching a head of lettuce under his arm like a quarterback clutching a pass. Okay, no more shopping trips for Mr. Nutso…

And Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Peace Summit…

Midnight snack time. Yes, I’ve blamed missing food on Vader, but I’m partially responsible, I must admit. I’ve been known to filch from time to time, and I have the waistline to prove it. I’ll never be a stick figure, thanks to our family’s genetics, but I confess to having a weakness for occasional nocturnal snacks.

I grab a cup of yogurt from the fridge, pull out my Eldest book, and open it up to read while I eat. My brother is also reading this book, filching my copy whenever he can, and it’s become sort of a race between us to see who can finish the book first. If I put in some reading tonight, I might catch up to him…

Do you ever get that feeling that someone’s watching you, just from the way the hairs on your neck stand up? That feelings comes over me with a shiver, and I look up to see two figures staring pointedly at me with slit-pupiled eyes.

“Go away,” I tell the cat and dragon. “I don’t like people gawking while I eat.”

Tiger and Shmendrick give no sign of hearing. Their eyes – green-gold in Tiger’s case and silver-blue in Shmendrick’s case – follow every move of my spoon. The cat has bizarre culinary tastes and will eat anything from canned peas to mozzarella cheese… and yes, yogurt. And if you know your mythology well, dragons regard milk and milk products the same way women view chocolate.

“Why don’t you two go fight or catch a mouse or something?” I demand, and go back to eating.

Tiger gives a plaintive meow. Shmendrick snorts, and twin curls of smoke slither from his nostrils.

I stare, shocked. “Vader, you told me he wasn’t going to breathe fire.”

Vader looks up from reading Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader. “He’s not supposed to.”

The dragon, pleased to have gotten a reaction, snorts smoke again.

“Stang it,” Vader hisses. “The dealer promised me a deflamed version…”

His comm unit beeps insistently in the living room, and he leaves the book on the table to go answer it.

I close Eldest and swipe Dark Lord. Yes, I’ve already read it, but I like to reread my favorite parts once I’m done with a book. Besides, why’s he reading this anyhow? Five chapters into it and he’s complaining that “Mr. Luceno made me sound like a crippled weakling, and why is the book called The Rise of Darth Vader when the thrice-blasted Jedi gets more screen time than me?” Personally, I don’t think its vanity or jealousy that’s got him riled, but that Luceno got an awful lot of stuff right in my mind…

I quickly slide the book back to Vader’s place as he reenters the kitchen.

“That was quick,” I tell him.

“A message from the Emperor,” Vader replies. “He is out of the cast. The peace talks will resume this weekend.”

“Oh, goody,” I moan. “We have company this weekend.”

Vader inclines his head thoughtfully. “Then I will see if I can convince the Emperor to postpone the conference until Monday. Will that be suitable?”

“Yes, thanks.” I open the book and reach for my yogurt… but it’s no longer there. Shmendrick took advantage of my moment of distraction to grab the container in his claws and bury his muzzle in it up to the eyes.

“Hey!”

“Let him have it,” Vader advises. “He deserves a treat now and then.”

“You’d better appreciate this, Shmendrick,” I tell the dragon. “Vader’s going to spoil you rotten.”

He shrugs. “What can I say? I’m rather partial to dragons.”

“I noticed that. Why do you think I wrote ‘Heir to the Ring?’”

“Ah,” Vader replies.
I will keep people updated on the details of the conference – and the lunacy surrounding it – for the next little while. But if a resolution isn’t reached quickly, I’ll probably need some volunteers to help me chase them off the property. Bring your own weapons, it’ll probably be ugly.